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LOL Dallas Cowboys History
The Dallas Cowboys '''nowadays can be described as simply "Jerry World". Every year is pretty much the same with a wild card loss and Jason Garrett clapping on the side, then we all come together and laugh with Stephen A. at their failures. 1989-1990: The beginning of Jerry World * February 25th, 1989 was the legendary day the Palpatine of football would buy the team. * Jones preceded to tank the shit out of the team, but hey, it worked right? * Following their back to back Superbowl wins, Jimmy Johnson quit after Jerry Jones wanted to control the team, which Johnson didn't allow. ** To this day, Jimmy Johnson's name is still not on the Cowboy's Ring of Honor surrounding AT&T Stadium. ** Johnson is now being inducted to the 2020 Hall of Fame, god knows if Jerry will finally make amends. * While they won another Superbowl in 95 under Switzer, they were all pretty much with Johnson's core. The Cowboys haven't even made it back to the NFC Championship Game since. 2010's: A Severe case of Claps '''It Begins. * 2011 was the first season where Jones' illegitimate son took over as the official head coach. ** Garrett put his hand to his other hand as Dallas went 8-8 and missed the playoffs. They were then forced to watch the Giants go win the Superbowl again. * 8-8 then continues to be a trend as the same record was posted for the 2012 and 2013 seasons. * Garrett then finally learned to coach in the 2014 season and got the team into the playoffs with a 12-4 record. ** They pretty much got a free-bee in the wild card round since they had to play to Lions, then came that next game against the Packers. ** The Cowboys would lose to Green Bay in the way which no team wants to lose: Refball. After Romo threw 30 yards to Dez Bryant on a 4th down, McCarthy successfully challenged the call in a WTF is a catch scenario. * Following this, Jones started clapping too and gave his golden goose Garrett a 5-year contract for $30 million. Do you hear that Clapping? * The 2015 season was a season of high expectations, we'll cut to the chase, they collapsed. ** After winning the first two games of the season, Romo's body turned to glass, Garrett would Clap too loud causing him to break and the team would lose the next seven games. ** Romo came back by Week 11, but then on Thanksgiving his collarbone was too fucked up and he would be out for the rest of the season. ** The Cowboys finished 4-12. * With it becoming clear Romo was at the end of his career, Dallas picked up Dak Prescott in the 2016 draft in the third round. With their 1st rounder, they picked up a generational talent in Ezekiel Elliot. * Jerry Jones' new toys paid off for the 2016 season. ** The powers of Elliot and Prescott gave Dallas a 13-3 record with a home field advantage going into the playoffs. ** Then Dallas once again lost to Green Bay, Jason Garrett just kept clapping. * In August 2017, Elliot spun the wheel of discipline and got a 6 game suspension. * Without Zeke for some games, that season came up short. ** After finishing 9-7, Dallas fans had to endure a greater pain than New York winning a Superbowl: they had to watch the Eagles go win a Superbowl. * Witten retired in the 2018 offseason and Dez Bryant was also released, so looks like some talent was wasted. * What was lucky for Dallas: this is when the rest of the NFC East started to shit to bed (now dubbed, "The NFC Least"). The Eagles were experiencing a major Superbowl hangover, the Giants got too focused on loyalty to old people and the Red Skins were still the Dead Skins. So they had an easy path. ** And that they did, after adding Amari Cooper to the roster from Oakland, the team won the NFC East again with a 10-6 record. ** This time there was no Aaron Rodgers to knock them out of the playoffs, it was a Sean McVay and his Los Angeles team. Stop Clapping! Stop It! * Over the 2019 offseason, Zeke wanted to get paid more and started holding out (since the whole AB and Andrew Luck fiasco was happening, we all kinda forgot about this), when Jerry was asked about Zeke during the hold out, he replied: "Zeke who?" ** Sadly nobody would laugh as Elliot did return and come to terms on a new deal with the Cowboys, Jerry and Zeke made a Zeke Who shirt in celebration. * Dak Prescott was also up for a new contract, Jones was offering him a $3 million contract, but Dak wanted '$40 million '(come on Dak... you aren't worth that much). As a result no deal has been signed and Jerry decided to evaluate him to see how much he should offer. * The 2019 season was Jason Garrett's contract year, how did that wind up? ** Dallas was unable to beat any team over .500 for the most part, but remember, this is the NFC Least, they were just neck and neck with the Eagles whom were plagued by injuries. ** After losing some crucial games, fans and the media were wondering why Jerry didn't think about making a coaching change, he's been so indulged in the Clapping he couldn't bring himself to do it. ** By Week 16, all Dallas had to do was beat the Eagles to make it in the playoffs. But the clapping was too loud, as a result, Philly won and by next week they made it in while Dallas settled on an 8-8 record. ** Jerry then finally fired Garrett, it took him a week after the season ended but he finally put some headphones on to stop the clapping. 2020's * The Cowboys then hired former Packers coach Mike McCarthy just a day after removing Garrett. It was reported the interview went so wel,l McCarthy spent the night at Jerry's house... that doesn't sound awkward at all. Category:NFL Category:Dallas